“Help! Something Has Shifted Spiritually Since Having a Kid”(Part 1)

You hesitate to say it out loud but having a kid(s) has changed your experience of your faith more than you thought it would.

Before having a child:

• You had a more consistent Bible reading routine

• You could meet with church people outside of service times

• You were serving as a volunteer at church

• Summer global trips were always on the table

• You listened to sermons on drives

• Spiritual practices such as solitude and sabbath were natural

Now that you have a child:

• You’re trying to figure out if Bible reading is possible

• You go to service and leave right after (if you made it to church that is)

• You’ve taken a break from serving

• You wish you went on more global trips before kids showed up.

• The Disney movie soundtrack is on repeat in the car

• Sabbath and solitude feel impossible

But it may go even deeper:

You may no longer be sure how you’re doing with God anymore.

Something about your walk with Jesus may feel like its shifted. Your experience of church community doesn’t feel as rich as it did before. Most of your conversations at church now seem to about… well, your child! You know others mean well when they say, “Treasure this time! It goes by so fast!” But you can’t help but wonder if you’re in some sort of a spiritual wilderness.

What do we do with this?

In the last few weeks, I’ve had multiple conversations with Jesus-loving parents of young kids who have expressed this wrestle of some sort of spiritual shift once a child shows up in their lives. Some who have expressed this are brand new parents who just had a child. Others are years into parenting and the wrestle has been just as long.

If this is you, I want to encourage you with two principles that have helped me on my own journey as a parent.

1) Chase Integration More Than Reclamation

Whenever we enter new life seasons, we can often default back towards the familiar of the prior. We miss the comfort and familiarity of what we once knew. This is natural and it’s the case for new parents.

But a mom or dad who desperately tries to “go back” and reclaim “the life that once was” before they had a child may be pursuing an exercise in futility. Sure, some things can be reclaimed, but many things can’t.

For me, one of my favorite ways to exercise (and experience God) prior to kids was on my surfboard on the ocean.

There was something about being on the water that breathed life into me and unlocked my prayer life in a unique way.

But the moment I had my firstborn, it all went away. I went from surfing two to three times a week, to surfing Amazon for baby toys. I missed the ocean and wanted to paddle back out badly.

But I made a small decision early on that made a huge difference: I decided to trade away surfing for walks with my son in his stroller. No, it wasn’t the same thing as being on a wave, but I still got some exercise and got my prayer-walks.

The principle is this: Instead of trying to go back to something, translate an old practice into a new pattern.

Have a hard time read the Bible in peace? Listen to the Bible app during baby feedings. Miss your coffee or breakfast meetings? Do a play-date. Can’t serve on a ministry team? Talk to a spiritual leader about how to best serve your spouse in this season.

Relentlessly chase integration.

2) Let the Holy Spirit Deepen Your Understanding of Your Discipleship

I’ll never forget what a godly family member shared with us when my wife was pregnant with our first.

After congratulating us and some conversation, she said, “I thought I knew what it meant to deny myself and take up my cross. But I learned it in such a deeper when I had my kids.”

It felt like a cryptic forecast of my future but she ended up being absolutely right. I was being invited to a deeper level of sanctification (process of spiritual transformation).

I knew I wasn’t perfectly selfless. I knew I could be selfish. But I did not realize how selfish I could be. I knew I was impatient, but I did not realize I could be so impatient with a tiny human being asking me the same question for 13th time.

I did not realize that the prior ways I was engaging with God were under ideal conditions.

That’s not to say my walk with Jesus in the prior season was inauthentic. I was now being authentically invited to the next leg of my journey.

Following Jesus isn’t about us mastering the mechanics of how we like to experience Him. Jesus is too great and beautiful for us to tame Him and cage Him into the box of our preferred experiences. Jesus is going to invite us to a thrilling adventure of transformation.

And that thrilling adventure will sometimes be challenging as little people deprive us of our sleep or ask us the same questions over and over again until we feel like we’re going to lose our sanity.

Stop trying to box in your relationship with Jesus with the checkboxes of your pre-conceived notions. Open your hands to the season He has you in. Let Him check your heart. Let Him operate and do the needed heart surgery you didn’t know you needed.

Conclusion

Psalm 127:3 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD.”

There were some seasons where I didn’t cherish the new season God had invited me into as a dad. I look back on those moments with regret.

With resilient integration and a humble outlook, we’re invited to see children as they really are - a heritage, a blessing, and a gift from the heart and hands of the Creator Himself.

May that orient you to run to Him in gratitude no matter how disoriented you feel in the moment.